"(Dead) Pilot"
Episode AABF001
Originally aired 12 Oct. 2004
(This is an occasional service for viewers who may have missed an episode. Some spoilers within.)
(JACK awakes in a jungle, bruised and disoriented.)
JACK: This doesn't look like baggage claim.
(VINCENT peers at JACK and trots away.)
JACK: Is this even LAX?
(He hears a whining jet engine and people SCREAMING.)
JACK: Maybe it is.
(He walks out of the jungle onto the beach. It is evident that flight 815 has encountered the UNLIKELY EVENT of a WATER LANDING. Passengers have used their SEAT CUSHIONS as FLOTATION DEVICES. Many are screaming. A jet engine is still running.)
* * *
(A MAN is walking in front of the jet engine, which is still INTACT and RUNNING.)
HURLEY: Hey, dude, watch out for the -
MAN [cupping his ear]: What?
JET ENGINE: Slurp! BOOM!
(The jet engine INGESTS him and EXPLODES. It's WICKED COOL. You REWIND and see it again.)
HURLEY: Hey, dude, watch out for the -
MAN [cupping his ear]: What?
JET ENGINE: Slurp! BOOM!
(Just as good the second time around. But something looks STRANGE and you REWIND it one more time and play it slowly.)
HURLEY: Heeeeey, duuuuuuude, waaaaaatch ouuuuuuuut foooooor thuuuuuh -
MAN [cupping his ear]: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
(GRAY FLYING CARPET THING swoops out of the SKY and taps JET ENGINE right before it explodes.
JET ENGINE: Sluuuuuuurp! BoooooooOOOOOOOM!
(Huh. That was weird. Anyway, you keep going.)
* * *
(SAYID, CHARLIE, and JEFF introduce themselves.)
SAYID: If we hope to be rescued, it would be a good idea to build a fire.
CHARLIE: I'll get some wood. And a match. And a spoon.
SAYID: A spoon?
JEFF: We could build two fires. [Raising voice] Hey everyone. We need to form into two groups. You over here, you're the Waikato tribe. And you over there, the Rotorua tribe. We'll compete to see who builds the best fire.
ROSE [rolls eyes]: I don't think anyone's in the mood for games.
(Rest of crowd tries to shrug JEFF off.)
JEFF: Come on, let's get going! You, the blond girl, start a pile of wood over here.
CLAIRE: In case you haven't noticed, I'm 39 weeks pregnant. And we have other things to worry about.
CHARLIE: Hey mate, nobody made you team leader. So [beep] right off, why don't you?
JEFF [narrating] Waikato's fire is looking good, looking good. Sayid's bringing more wood. No progress on the Rotorua fire. The blond girl is looking tired. Waikato's in the lead. Winner gets immunity. Sayid's dumping the wood on the fire. Charlie's flipping me off. Hey, that's not good sportsmanship, Charlie. Rotorua still has no fire. No fire for Rotorua.
HURLEY [hooking a thumb at JEFF]: Do we have any jet engines left?
* * *
KATE: Don't jet planes have like a nosey part and a tailey part?
JACK: Yeah. Those parts aren't here.
KATE: I saw some smoke in the woods. Maybe the nosey part with the pilot is there. And his radio.
JACK: Good idea! We could call for help.
KATE: I'll come with you.
JACK: Don't be silly.
KATE: What do you mean?
JACK: You're a woman.
KATE: (furrows brow)
MONSTER IN WOODS: Roarrrrr!
LOSTIES: Gasp!
* * *
SAWYER: Great. We crash-landed in Jurassic Park.
HURLEY: Could be Skull Island, dude.
JACK: It also could be that island from the end of "Deep Rising." You know, when Treat Williams goes, "Now what?"
* * *
(SHANNON lays out in a skimpy bikini, and we grudgingly admit she's got a decent body, and we wonder if there'll be an unrated Lost DVD.)
* * *
HURLEY: So you were in Desert Storm?
SAYID: Yes, the first Gulf War, yes.
HURLEY: Air Force? Marines?
SAYID: The Republican Guard.
HURLEY [confused]: So if you're a Republican in the Guard, why did you have to go to Iraq?
* * *
(WALT encounters LOCKE playing backgammon. We find out GAMES are fun, but GAME THEORY is really boring.)
LOCKE: So tell me, Walt, do you like gladiator movies?
(WALT backs away.)
* * *
(An UNSEEN MONSTER chases JACK, KATE, SAYID and SAWYER through the woods. SAWYER turns around with his handgun and fires, killing what is revealed to be a POLAR BEAR.)
JACK: That's odd, don't you think? A polar bear!
SAWYER: Not to mention I took down a 1500-pound animal with a single 9mm round.
* * *
(SAWYER finds WALT reading the comic book depicting the POLAR BEAR. He scowls and rummages through his stash. He returns to WALT with an ARCHIE
comic book.)
SAWYER: If you're going to create real things out of your imagination, why don't you do something constructive. This is Betty, this is Veronica. Really, either one's OK. Why not think of both. (He flips through pages.) Hey, hey, look at that. Her dad's rich and has this huge boat. Why not think about that really hard. And not in the middle of the jungle, that's no use to us. (He points to the ocean.) Out there. Anchored 100 feet from shore. With a couple of dinghies.
WALT [suspicious]: Okay, I guess.
SAWYER: I'll see what else I can find for you.
* * *
(The main LOSTIE group climbs uphill, looking for a signal.)
SAYID: We've got something! We have a signal!
SHANNON: It's French!
SAWYER [snickering]: French? They're probably saying "We surrender."
(HURLEY runs up to the group.)
HURLEY: Hey guys, we need you down at the beach. There's a problem.
(They run back to the beach. CLAIRE is sitting underneath a palm tree, SOBBING.)
CLAIRE: It's horrible! He butts into everyone's business, and he won't stop talking!
SAYID: Who is doing this to you?
(CLAIRE points at JEFF, who is trying to get people to try out his OBSTACLE COURSE.)
JACK: This has become too big a problem.
SAYID: I know how to fix this.
* * *
(In the woods. JEFF is tied to a tree, bruised and bleeding.)
JEFF [sobbing]: Please, have mercy! I'll tell you anything you want to know! Anything!
SAYID [shakes his head]: Mr. Probst. No need for you to say anything. I have no questions for you.
(SAYID reaches toward JEFF. Scene fades out with JEFF's screams.)
Episode AABF001
Originally aired 12 Oct. 2004
(This is an occasional service for viewers who may have missed an episode. Some spoilers within.)
(JACK awakes in a jungle, bruised and disoriented.)
JACK: This doesn't look like baggage claim.
(VINCENT peers at JACK and trots away.)
JACK: Is this even LAX?
(He hears a whining jet engine and people SCREAMING.)
JACK: Maybe it is.
(He walks out of the jungle onto the beach. It is evident that flight 815 has encountered the UNLIKELY EVENT of a WATER LANDING. Passengers have used their SEAT CUSHIONS as FLOTATION DEVICES. Many are screaming. A jet engine is still running.)
* * *
(A MAN is walking in front of the jet engine, which is still INTACT and RUNNING.)
HURLEY: Hey, dude, watch out for the -
MAN [cupping his ear]: What?
JET ENGINE: Slurp! BOOM!
(The jet engine INGESTS him and EXPLODES. It's WICKED COOL. You REWIND and see it again.)
HURLEY: Hey, dude, watch out for the -
MAN [cupping his ear]: What?
JET ENGINE: Slurp! BOOM!
(Just as good the second time around. But something looks STRANGE and you REWIND it one more time and play it slowly.)
HURLEY: Heeeeey, duuuuuuude, waaaaaatch ouuuuuuuut foooooor thuuuuuh -
MAN [cupping his ear]: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
(GRAY FLYING CARPET THING swoops out of the SKY and taps JET ENGINE right before it explodes.
JET ENGINE: Sluuuuuuurp! BoooooooOOOOOOOM!
(Huh. That was weird. Anyway, you keep going.)
* * *
(SAYID, CHARLIE, and JEFF introduce themselves.)
SAYID: If we hope to be rescued, it would be a good idea to build a fire.
CHARLIE: I'll get some wood. And a match. And a spoon.
SAYID: A spoon?
JEFF: We could build two fires. [Raising voice] Hey everyone. We need to form into two groups. You over here, you're the Waikato tribe. And you over there, the Rotorua tribe. We'll compete to see who builds the best fire.
ROSE [rolls eyes]: I don't think anyone's in the mood for games.
(Rest of crowd tries to shrug JEFF off.)
JEFF: Come on, let's get going! You, the blond girl, start a pile of wood over here.
CLAIRE: In case you haven't noticed, I'm 39 weeks pregnant. And we have other things to worry about.
CHARLIE: Hey mate, nobody made you team leader. So [beep] right off, why don't you?
JEFF [narrating] Waikato's fire is looking good, looking good. Sayid's bringing more wood. No progress on the Rotorua fire. The blond girl is looking tired. Waikato's in the lead. Winner gets immunity. Sayid's dumping the wood on the fire. Charlie's flipping me off. Hey, that's not good sportsmanship, Charlie. Rotorua still has no fire. No fire for Rotorua.
HURLEY [hooking a thumb at JEFF]: Do we have any jet engines left?
* * *
KATE: Don't jet planes have like a nosey part and a tailey part?
JACK: Yeah. Those parts aren't here.
KATE: I saw some smoke in the woods. Maybe the nosey part with the pilot is there. And his radio.
JACK: Good idea! We could call for help.
KATE: I'll come with you.
JACK: Don't be silly.
KATE: What do you mean?
JACK: You're a woman.
KATE: (furrows brow)
MONSTER IN WOODS: Roarrrrr!
LOSTIES: Gasp!
* * *
SAWYER: Great. We crash-landed in Jurassic Park.
HURLEY: Could be Skull Island, dude.
JACK: It also could be that island from the end of "Deep Rising." You know, when Treat Williams goes, "Now what?"
* * *
(SHANNON lays out in a skimpy bikini, and we grudgingly admit she's got a decent body, and we wonder if there'll be an unrated Lost DVD.)
* * *
HURLEY: So you were in Desert Storm?
SAYID: Yes, the first Gulf War, yes.
HURLEY: Air Force? Marines?
SAYID: The Republican Guard.
HURLEY [confused]: So if you're a Republican in the Guard, why did you have to go to Iraq?
* * *
(WALT encounters LOCKE playing backgammon. We find out GAMES are fun, but GAME THEORY is really boring.)
LOCKE: So tell me, Walt, do you like gladiator movies?
(WALT backs away.)
* * *
(An UNSEEN MONSTER chases JACK, KATE, SAYID and SAWYER through the woods. SAWYER turns around with his handgun and fires, killing what is revealed to be a POLAR BEAR.)
JACK: That's odd, don't you think? A polar bear!
SAWYER: Not to mention I took down a 1500-pound animal with a single 9mm round.
* * *
(SAWYER finds WALT reading the comic book depicting the POLAR BEAR. He scowls and rummages through his stash. He returns to WALT with an ARCHIE
comic book.)
SAWYER: If you're going to create real things out of your imagination, why don't you do something constructive. This is Betty, this is Veronica. Really, either one's OK. Why not think of both. (He flips through pages.) Hey, hey, look at that. Her dad's rich and has this huge boat. Why not think about that really hard. And not in the middle of the jungle, that's no use to us. (He points to the ocean.) Out there. Anchored 100 feet from shore. With a couple of dinghies.
WALT [suspicious]: Okay, I guess.
SAWYER: I'll see what else I can find for you.
* * *
(The main LOSTIE group climbs uphill, looking for a signal.)
SAYID: We've got something! We have a signal!
SHANNON: It's French!
SAWYER [snickering]: French? They're probably saying "We surrender."
(HURLEY runs up to the group.)
HURLEY: Hey guys, we need you down at the beach. There's a problem.
(They run back to the beach. CLAIRE is sitting underneath a palm tree, SOBBING.)
CLAIRE: It's horrible! He butts into everyone's business, and he won't stop talking!
SAYID: Who is doing this to you?
(CLAIRE points at JEFF, who is trying to get people to try out his OBSTACLE COURSE.)
JACK: This has become too big a problem.
SAYID: I know how to fix this.
* * *
(In the woods. JEFF is tied to a tree, bruised and bleeding.)
JEFF [sobbing]: Please, have mercy! I'll tell you anything you want to know! Anything!
SAYID [shakes his head]: Mr. Probst. No need for you to say anything. I have no questions for you.
(SAYID reaches toward JEFF. Scene fades out with JEFF's screams.)
